Breaking news! Hostage crisis resolved!

Hostage taker Aya finally emerged at 9:08 yesterday morning. Both she and the hostage Amy are being held for a debriefing; but Amy will not be pressing charges, so they should both be released in a day or so.

Many thanks to the skilled and compassionate hostage negotiators (nurse-midwives, maternity nurses, a doula, and a pediatrician with huge Jewfro dreadlocks) for bringing the crisis to a close; but above all, congratulations to Amy for weathering the harrowing crisis with equanimity and grace.

And finally

While doing a crossword puzzle with Max, I knew the name of a river in Florence and he did not. This is the first and likely the last time that I will know a geography fact and Max won't. What an odd, odd day it has been.

(Arno)

Also

there is a special circle in hell for those people who say "oh, it'll all be worth it when you have that little bundle of joy in your arms."

hostage negotiations hit new snag

Ayanese rebels refusing to talk or wedge open door further; prefer to communicate entirely by kicking hostage brutally in bladder. Hostage near despair. Please do not call to find out how big the damn baby is and what time she came out, as you too will be kicked in bladder. Hostage misses son, who has been sent to in-laws for duration, assuming duration is not the entire 8 nights of hanukkah.

Hint to universe: When I asked for a hanukkah miracle, I did not mean the miracle of a labor that lasts 8 nights. That is not what I meant, at all.

Hostage crisis may soon be resolved favorably

As of last night, our hostage taker has commenced serious surrender negotiations. It looks like there will not be a need to call in a surgical air strike; hopes are high that she will have surrendered by the end of the weekend.

Keep posted.

the hostage crisis continues...

there have been no new developments. Perhaps, however, there will be a Hanukkah miracle.

News Update: The Ayanese hostage crisis continues...

Now in its 41st week, the Ayanese hostage crisis continues to torment the Biscuit household. While the hostage-taker herself is in apparent good health, there are rumors of further vomiting-induced nosebleeds among some of the hostages. Though authorities assured the public that the situation was under control and that the crisis would resolve itself peacefully at 40 weeks, recent attempts to convince the hostage-taker to abandon her refuge and emerge have proved fruitless. There is talk of setting a hard deadline, after which authorities would attempt to force the hostage-taker to come out.

The scene right now is quiet. Little is heard from either the hostage or the hostage-taker. The air is pregnant with anticipation. What will happen next?

This reporter is standing by at the scene of the standoff and will provide updates as events develop.

I am not in labor yet, stop calling, internets!

I am not in labor. Or maybe I am. Who knows? All I know is that sometime in the next week or so, I will probably be in labor. I will know I am in labor when I start wishing I wasn't. Right now, I am still wishing I am in labor.

I just heard from the babysitter that she and my son spent last friday morning giving his stuffed animals blood transfusions because they were tired all the time and had to lie in bed.

Son has also said "I don't want [baby sister] to come, but I still love her a lot." We introduced him to the concept of "ambivalence." "What's that word again? For when you want something and you don't?" he asked. He has also begun, predictably, to forget to pee in the potty. Oops! And oops again! "We're feeling a little weird about the new baby coming, too," we say.

Max and I have been using this space-age blue light every morning to keep ourselves from succumbing to winter despair. It seems to be working like a charm. This has been the best winter for me, mood-wise, for as long as I can remember living in Boston. The light also helps Max get up at ungodly 4 am as required for his current work project. Highly recommended, although there are some doubts about whether the light might accelerate macular degeneration in some susceptible people, so do your homework. This website is no substitute for medical advice or for your own half-assed google search. As for me, I don't care if I go blind in 40 years if it saves me 40 years of winter hell.

Um, in other news, I am a totally sucky blogger. But you knew that. What can I tell you that you don't already know, internets? Don't you know everything? I'll bet you don't know how effaced my cervix is right now. I don't either, but I'm going to the midwife soon, so I'll find out. But I won't tell you, nosy internets. Ask your friends at the NSA if you want to know so bad.